Monday, April 4, 2011

Public Service Announcement: Toddler Barfing

Much like my last PSA, this probably isn’t relevant to everyone. However, if your first child is in the process of making that lovely transition from baby-sized barfs to kid-sized barfs, PAY ATTENTION!

Let’s do this pick-a-path to adventure style…

You are enjoying a nice, lazy Friday night with your family. Your husband is sitting in a chair across the room, while you and your toddler are monopolizing the couch. Or at least, you are monopolizing the couch and your toddler is doing her best impression of your cat. You know that thing cats do, when you’re trying to sleep but the cat keeps waking you up because it somehow places at least 75 pounds of pressure right on your nipples despite only weighing 10 pounds? No? Well, your toddler is doing something to that effect as she crawls all over your 22 week pregnant belly while you are attempting to nap flat on your back.

This is fun and all, right until the toddler opens her mouth and approximately 5 gallons of vomit shoot all over your lap and baby bump in a projectile manner. After a nanosecond of barf paralysis and a slightly longer period of wanting to barf yourself (“I’m gonna do it too!”), you pull your shit together and yell out to your husband.

Do you shout…
a) “Towels! Get towels NOW before it gets on the couch!” (turn to page 23)
b) “HELP!” (turn to page 75)
c) “Get her off me NOW! Take her to the kitchen!!!” (turn to page 97)

Page 23: After a brief moment of confusion in which you realize your husband somehow missed the fact that your kid went from cat to exorcist, you manage to convey the seriousness of the situation and he runs out of the room. “What do I get??? Paper towels?” You roll your eyes and are about to tell him where to find an appropriate sized towel for the mess, but are instantly distracted by your toddler. It appears that 5 gallons of barf did not deplete her magical toddler barf reserves, and she proceeds to barf 3 more times in succession. She has now covered two couch cushions, a pillow, two blankets, and the two of you in the former contents of her stomach. You spend the rest of the weekend doing barf laundry and googling “how do I get barf smell out of couch.”

Page 75: What are you, new? Husbands do not react quickly without specific instructions. You and your entire family are eaten by trolls before he even figured out what you wanted.

Page 97: Your husband springs to action, running to the couch. Like a knight in shining armor, he rescues you from the spewing vomit beast. He sprints over to linoleum-covered pastures, where your toddler demonstrates her new vomiting skillz. You carefully sit up, without spilling any of the first round of barf onto the couch. You head into the kitchen and quickly mop up the mess, congratulating yourself for your quick thinking and your husband for his quick running. Parenting win!

Did you catch all that, new parents? PSA: Unless you happen to randomly have a barf-catching apparatus nearby, have the non-barfed on parent quickly move the kid to an easily-cleaned area. KID BARF COMES IN WAVES – DO NOT BE TRICKED INTO THINKING A KID IS DONE BARFING JUST BECAUSE OF A 15 SECOND PAUSE!!!

(I obviously went to page 23. Don’t let this happen to you.)


Swistle said...

Ha--I love that one of them results in being eaten by trolls!

It's mean of me to keep teasing Paul about this after MORE THAN A DECADE, but when our firstborn was just under 2 years old, he (the firstborn, not Paul) had his very first Barfing Illness. He was in our kitchen for the first barf, and Paul panicked and RACED HIM INTO A CARPETED ROOM. Of our rental apartment. Which had light beige carpet. And the last meal pre-illness had included chocolate pudding. He did it as if by instinct, the way a cat will run to throw up on the carpet.

AJ said...

LOL My Corbin had lots of tummy issues and learned early to use a bucket. Loved that we had no carpet in our appartment when she was little. Jax had a tummy bug last fall and caught on to the bucket quickly because he hates messes.

d e v a n said...

Oh dear!

Jessica said...

Wow, choose your own adventure has gone downhill since I was a kid. Now all my options include barf?