Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Let Me Ass You A Question

Hi! I still can't sleep, so I am going to continue actually writing all of the blog posts I've written in my head while nursing over the past two months, and you are going to pretend like these were all nice and evenly spaced out instead of crammed in all at once, okay?

This one is about my butt, aren't you excited?

I have always had a disproportionate ass. This was first brought to my attention in third grade, when Melissa O'Brien* kindly informed me that the reason she was snickering during the pledge of allegiance was because I was "sticking my butt out". I turned bright red because not only was one of the more popular girls making fun of me, but I truly wasn't doing it on purpose, it just stuck out on its own.

Thanks to Sir Mix-A-Lot and Kim Kardashian, my ass enjoyed a nice window in which it was admired by the menfolk while the Melissa O'Briens of the world looked on in shame. Howevs, over the past few years (which just so happen to coincide with my childbirthing years), the situation has gotten out of control. I would probably be at least two sizes smaller if my butt wasn't so massive.

Photographic evidence:




So. This has been on my mind is because, for the first time since before I was pregnant with Adriana, I went running. Go me, right? Wrong. It was horrible. You guys, my ass was literally bouncing up and down to the point that it was SHAKING MY PANTS RIGHT OFF. Now, I am somewhat familiar with the pants sliding down the butt feeling, as jeans have not fit me properly since some asshole invented the low rise. But these were workout pants. Tight ones, with lots of elastic and synthetic materials. If I am going to have to hitch up my pants every 10 steps, it will probably be another three years before I attempt running again.

So, to enhance everyone's viewing pleasure, please help me with the following:
1) Are you aware of any magical pants that will withstand some serious butt jiggle?
2) Are you aware of any magical workouts with butt-shrinking properties?

The citizens of Northeast Ohio thank you in advance.

* Name not changed because I am a world champion grudge holder

5 comments:

charice ford said...

Combine that with a superb abdominal exercise program and your abs will show up faster than you thought attainable. An additional big myth is that you simply really need to do a ton of sit-ups.

Reading (and chickens) said...

1) I am very very glad you didn't change Melissa O'Brien's name.

2) I have one pair of lululemon pants. I am...not thrilled with them because they are TOO tight (but the size up was TOO LOOSE), but perhaps this will help with your situation?

3) As someone who only gains weight in her stomach and upper arms, let me tell you: the butt is a better place. At least people think that's hot. I just get chicken wings and pregnancy questions.

4) Glad you are back!

Lacey said...

Ha!! I am in the same exact club with you! And I don't even have any assvice either...so let me know if you figure something out!

And I love the world champion grudge holder comment...just ask me about Lori Peacock from 4th grade. :)

Jessica said...

When I started running when Paul was 10 weeks, EVERYTHING jiggled. A lot. So much so it was very uncomfortable. But six weeks later it's a lot better. Either I don't notice it any more or it's lessened.

Wiz said...

Hahaha! So funny that you didnt change the name. And I have a big butt too. I didnt realize it until on my honeymoon a Jamaican man behind me called me J-Lo.