Friday, December 30, 2011

Reverse BDD

Before we get started – this is not an invitation to be an asshole. Thank you in advance for either being respectful or being quiet.

Okay, so I think we have all heard of body dysmorphic disorder…you know, that thing that some people accuse skinny chicks of when they talk about being fat too much? A comment from one of my twitter friends about needing to lose baby weight got me started on a train of thought. Do you think it’s possible to have REVERSE BDD? Like, if people with BDD have an “excessive concern about and preoccupation with a perceived defect of their physical features”, reverse BDDers would have no concern whatsoever about an actual defect of their physical features. Except, in this case, I’m talking about weight, so let’s not call it a defect (hells no). I’m replacing “defect” with “characteristic” since I’m talking as a matter of fact with no negative or positive connotations whatsoever.

What I’m trying to say (poorly) is that I think that part of the reason I have been carrying around 35-55 pounds of extra weight since 2006 is that, when I look in the mirror, I don’t see those 35-55 pounds. For the most part, I think I look pretty average, despite the fact that I AM overweight (5 out of 5 doctors agree). Every once in a while I will catch a glimpse in a mirror or see an especially unflattering picture and I am genuinely shocked by my appearance. I think it’s really easy for me to write it off as bad lighting or a weird angle and just delete the picture and move on. I carefully edit the image of myself in my head the same way I carefully select which pictures I will actually post on my blog or on Facebook.

I think some of the contributing factors to my reverse BDDism are:
1) I gained 60 pounds over the space of a year and a half, which is pretty darn quick (caused by change in activity and stress levels and lots of pizza, not some medical condition your father's brother’s nephew’s cousin's former roommate had).
2) I’m still a skinny chick in my head, just like I’m still only 28 years old.
3) At 5’8”, I can carry extra weight better than someone who is shorter.
4) I’ve never been one to be overly concerned about any aspect of my physical appearance, so why should weight be any different?
5) I’ve been pregnant twice since I gained the weight, and all pregnancy long people tell me how great I look (I lose weight when pregnant thanks to the 9 months of barfing).

The friend who got me thinking about this said something to the effect of “four years is probably long enough”. As we are entering 2012, it’s SIX years for me. Six years is a long time to have no urgency whatsoever to lose weight, especially when considering how much I would have to lose to get back to my starting place. It’s a long time to be in denial about the fact that my weight is causing my knees to hurt, my heart to race, my clothes to not fit right, etc. etc.

I have no interest in going on a diet – I love food and don’t think you need to completely deprive yourself of the things you love to be a healthier person. There is, however, lots of room to make better food-related decisions, so I am going to start taking (baby) steps in that direction.

I do have an interest in exercising, but not necessarily the motivation - you saw how quickly I jumped on an excuse to quit 30 day shred. I know for a fact that I feel significantly better when I work out regularly, so I’m not really sure why it is so hard to get the kick in the pants to just DO IT. I think I need to lose the reverse BDD, gain a realistic perspective of what my body looks like, and add the desire to LOOK better to the desire to FEEL better. That’s kind of backwards and screwy, isn’t it?

So, 2012. Eat less, exercise more = goal #1. HOW VERY ORIGINAL.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

2011 Recap

So, Sundry changed up the yearly meme this year. Even though she deleted all of the questions I super hate, I needed to keep the old version for consistency. Enjoy!

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

This is the first year I blogged, tweeted, or pinned anything. Also the first time I ventured into making internet friends beyond the occasional email or comment. I hosted my first giveaway and participated in my first CDP exchange. I have very much enjoyed putting myself out there, and I can’t wait to take it one step further in 2012 by attending PJs@TJ’s and the Blathering.
This is also the first (and, thank fucking god, last) year that I ever had two kids under two years old.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don’t believe I made any new year’s resolutions this year. My grandma passed away the same day I found out we were pregnant with Lucia last December, and I think I was too busy with grieving, barfing, and the holidays to really set any goals. I am definitely planning on making both general resolutions and a firm to do list for 2012 (coming soonish!)

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Besides me? My childhood friend C had adorable twin boys in July, my coworkers/friends A and B had perfect little babies in October, and my friend/family member N had a beautiful baby girl last week. Tons and tons of lovely ladies on the internet made cute babies this year – too many to link!

4. Did anyone close to you die?


5. What countries did you visit?

Nowhere, we are lame. The only (non-work) trip we took all year was to Surfside Beach.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

More sleep and a clean house, definitely. And I’d always LIKE to have more money, but we are doing okay. Honestly, we really are very lucky. It’s hard to feel like I “lack” anything after everyone has been so generous with us and our girls.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

This year has been pretty much a blur – the only date that stands out to me is Lucia’s birthday, August 14, 2011.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I wouldn’t really say I “achieved” anything this year, unless you count the Beautification Award that we got for our landscaping (they must have thrown pity votes my way after watching my 8 month pregnant ass do hours of weeding). I am, however, proud that Justin and I had a record low number of fights this year, so I’m going to call that an achievement.

9. What was your biggest failure?

No matter how many to do lists I make or stuff I get done around the house, it’s still kind of a mess. I need to remember this when I make my resolutions for 2012 – I want to have a house that is organized enough that it’s not a big deal when people drop in unannounced (but please don’t do that, call first!!!)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Does 9 months of barfing count as illness? Lots of crappy coughs/colds thanks to mutant toddler germs, and the birth related injuries – second degree tear, thrushy boobs, months of traumatic pooping. GOOD TIMES.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Definitely my Macbook Pro. I can’t believe I went so long without one. Honorable mention goes to the Arms Reach Cosleeper, which is so much better than sleeping for months on end with a newborn in the bed.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Hubs, for sure. Even though he is not a fan of the newborn stage (to put it lightly), he has been SO GOOD with Adriana and has really made an effort to help more around the house.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

MIL, obviously. Go read the 11 jillion posts about it if you don’t know what I’m talking about.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Where DIDN’T most of my money go? (Wait – I know that one – my savings account!) Besides all of the normal expenses for a family of four, most of it went towards stuff for the house, our unpaid maternity/paternity leaves, and Lucy-related medical bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Completing our family, obviously. Meeting Lucy. Anything cute that Adriana said/did all year. Getting comments on the blog / making bloggy friends. Book club / drinking wine with my friend N.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

Despite not having a real blog before this year, this is the 4th year I’ve filled out this damn survey (2008 and 2009 here; no idea what happened to 2010), and I can NEVER think of an answer to this one.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

– happier or sadder? Happier
– thinner or fatter? I weigh less, yet I’m somehow fatter
– richer or poorer? Poorer, FOR SURE

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Cleaning, exercising, bubble baths, massages, pedicures. The usual.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Cleaning, watching tv, yelling at Adriana (so, so, so sad that being pregnant and tired and stressed makes me lose my patience with her).

20. How did you spend Christmas?

I’m going to post about this soon, I swear! In a nutshell, opened presents with the girls at our house Christmas eve morning, Justin’s dad’s side Christmas eve afternoon, spent the night at my parents, then presents with my side Christmas morning and bummed around over there all day.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

Yes, with my new baby girl.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

New to me this year (thanks, Netflix!) were Glee, Life Unexpected, 30 Rock, and The New Girl. Always love all things reality, How I Met Your Mother, Big Bang Theory, Modern Family.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No. It really takes a lot for me to hate anyone.

24. What was the best book you read?

I very much enjoyed Citrus County, the Hunger Games trilogy, Divergent, Bossypants, and Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? The very best was probably the first Hunger Games.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Ugh, I don’t even know if I listened to a SINGLE NEW THING this year.

26. What did you want and get?

Lucia. A promotion. Macbook Pro. Birchbox subscription.

27. What did you want and not get?

It didn’t work out with the housecleaner. I’d love to be able to afford the more expensive cleaning service (they were efficient, didn’t chat, and cleaned instead of organized – loved them).

28. What was your favorite film this year?

I didn’t see too many new ones. Bridesmaids and Crazy, Stupid, Love. come to mind.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I was 32. Not only did I have to think about how old I am, I have no recollection whatsoever of what we did for my birthday. At all.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A clean house. I am a broken record!

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

No concept of fashion.”

32. What kept you sane?

Blogging and Justin. In that order (haha).

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I KNOW there is someone who I keep trying to remember in the event that anyone asks me for my top 5 list or whatever, but I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME remember who. Will update if this amnesia ever ends.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

This is the least stirred I have ever been in my life. Occupy what?

35. Who did you miss?

This is super cheesy and embarrassing - I miss having a best female friend. I haven’t had one since, like, 2005ish? And for some reason this has been on my mind a lot lately.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Lucia, duh. And Adriana is becoming such a little person, she ties for first place as well.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

I learned that it’s WAY BETTER to just stop nagging Justin and to just do whatever I want done myself. Nagging only makes me feel crappy about my marriage, and the longer it doesn’t get done, the crappier I feel. If I just DO whatever I want done, I am way happier, and I can focus on the tons of good things he DOES do for our family instead of the few things he DOESN’T.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.


There you have it! If you also do this meme, link to your post in the comments!

Friday, December 9, 2011

CDP Day!!!

I am so excited for CDP day! For those of you who are not familiar, a CDP is a Crappy Day Present, as coined by the lovely Rachel from Doing My Best. She is full of awesome, so she agreed to host a Crappy Day Present Exchange. I had nothing else to do this holiday season (hahahakillmenowplease), so I agreed to participate. I had so much fun shopping for my person! In fact, I think I may have gone a teeny bit overboard:

Now if only I could apply the same enthusiasm to shopping for people I know in real life, I'd be set.

Monday, December 5, 2011

I Think We Just Set Back Potty Training 10 Years

My parents never really had rules about what I could watch on tv or how long I could watch it, so it's never really been a hot issue for me. I do feel a teeny bit guilty when I read a blog post by someone who never lets their kid veg out in front of the tube, but I don't feel strongly enough about it to change my position. However, a couple of things happened this weekend that made me rethink things. (What? This is about tv, not potty training?)(Just wait for it.)

First, Adriana has been increasingly demanding about wanting to watch tv, specifically Caillou, and to a lesser extent Dora and Yo Gabba Gabba. She loooooooooooves her some Caillou. If she could hang out with him and kiss his inexplicably bald* head, she would. The only two things in the world that she loves better than Caillou are her binky and her blanket (the PINK one, Mama). She loves these three things so much, that, at two years of age, she has developed a very sneaky way to manipulate me into letting her have them all at the same time.

Right when she wakes up, she looks at me with her big brown eyes and says "Mama! I want to cuddle on the couch and watch Glee with you!!!"

She knows this will get me, because cuddling and Glee are MY favorite things in the world. I say "OKAY!!" and scoop her up, and she specifies that she wants "to cuddle on the COUCH, with my BINKY and BLANKET and watch GLEE with you". I am so psyched that she wants to do this, that I agree (much to Justin's dismay - he is so ready to be done with the binky).

I fire up netflix and arrange the blankets on the couch so that the DARK PINK side of her blanket is facing up (lest I be subjected to TODDLER WRATH by putting up the light pink side). We get all comfy, I find the right episode, and then...

"I want CAILLOU, not GLEE!!! Caillou, Caillou, Caillou!!!" Adriana pulls the switcheroo and threatens to stop cuddling if she doesn't get Caillou. And I am a sucker so I put it on and continue to cuddle while I fantasize about traveling to Canada with a roll of duct tape for that little creep's whiny mouth.

Yesterday, I was at my Caillou limit, so I made a mistake. I told Adriana that I don't like episodes with Sara because she is mean. She shot me a dirty look, and said "SHE IS NOT!!" I laughed at her defense of even the most minor Caillou character, and decided to up the ante. "Also, Caillou is annoying." Quick as lightning, Adriana turned around and BITCHSLAPPED ME IN THE FACE, while shouting "Caillou is NOT NOYING!!!!"

So I think we might need a little break from Caillou.

The second thing that happened might be the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life, but it was SO BAD, you guys. SO BAD.

Not long before bedtime, I was sitting on the couch playing with my iPhone, and Justin was flipping around Netflix. Adriana had been pushing around her baby stroller and playing with the other 9 million toys all over the floor. Justin put on Wadzilla, which (wikipedia tells me) is about "a guy that goes to get his sperm count raised, and it creates one big sperm that attacks New York City". I looked up and was like "Oh, that's appropriate" but didn't think twice about it, because I'm sure a two year old doesn't know what sperm is.

However, at one point there were some screams and Adriana and I both looked up from our respective activties. This creature that looked like the demon baby of Jaws, and...well...sperm was racing down the hallway and then chomped on a screaming chick's lady bits.

Adriana started off quietly saying "oh no!", and then with more urgency and volume "OH NO! OH NO!" Justin quickly grabbed the remote and flipped it off, and I picked her up and put her in my lap. Her eyes were glistening with tears, and she just couldn't get the words out fast enough.

A: "that fishie came out of the toilet and he went under her pretty dress and he bit her and she was cryin'!!! he was in the toilet and it's yucky and if you go pee pee in the potty chair you get an m&m and he came out of the toilet and OH NO!!!"

Me: "Yeah, that was SILLY, wasn't it! Fishies aren't in the TOILET, they are in the ocean or in a fishtank!"

A: "yeah it was silly he was in the toilet!" (Thank GOD she started laughing a little, but was clearly still distressed)

Me: "It's okay, baby, it wasn't scary, it was just a silly joke!"

A: "it was a JOKE, he was in the toilet it's yucky in there!"

So eventually I think I got her to forget about the sperm monster biting the girl, and convinced her it was just a SILLY FISHIE playing in the toilet, but omg. I'm more than a little worried about what she is going to say to her daycare teacher when she sits on the potty today.

I think WE might need a break from the tv as well, at least when the girls are still awake.

* I am working on a theory that Caillou is bald because he is inbred. His grandpa looks JUST LIKE his dad, and his grandma looks JUST LIKE his mom, but they are married and live in the same house. Just saying.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Wanna Hang Out?

Yes, I am officially going to The Blathering 2012, and most likely PJs @ TJs as well. Am I crazy? Quite possibly.

My pregnancies are pretty tough, what with the 9 months straight of vomiting and the falling asleep on the couch by 7 pm. Then I'm the primary food source until I start supplementing. We already ask SO MUCH of my parents, since they babysit the girls while I work, FIL and SMIL have their own kid, and MIL is not an option. So we pretty much have no babysitters whatsoever (I'm not comfortable with hiring a random stranger or a teenager - it BLOWS MY MIND that people used to trust me to babysit their newborns when I was TEN YEARS OLD).

Any time Justin and I get invited somewhere, I usually let him go out while I stay home. It works out splendidly when I'm pregnant, since I'm too tired to do anything anyway, but it kind of sucks beyond that. Not that I don't love spending time with the girls, I just miss adult conversation.

Add in the fact that most of my high school friends live out of state, I am only friends with my college friends via facebook, and I don't have much in common with my grad school friends anymore (they still party all night, every night) social life is pretty lame. Not too many people stick around after you have blown them off for a year to have a kid and raise a newborn.

So, I am branching out. I'm tired of not doing anything for myself, so I'm going to change it. Although I'm definitely nervous about going to both events, I'm not super shy or bad at making friends. But I would SO MUCH RATHER do this with people who know who I am. So here I am, begging you to come hang out! It will be so much fun! Doooooooooo itttt......

Thursday, December 1, 2011

November Goal Recap

Hey, remember this?

Well...I started the month strong but ran out of steam entirely by the 15th or so. After 3 months of doing reasonably well with interrupted sleep courtesy of Lucy, I just crashed completely. Even though I failed to complete most of my goals, I am pretty proud of myself for a successful transition to work, clearing out Adriana's big girl room, making dinner every single night (!!!), pretty-ing up the blog and making new e-friends, and cooking my first Thanksgiving dinner.

Report Card:

I quit 30 Day Shred because my knees weren't ready. I lost 4 pounds but gained back 3 due to Thanksgiving. I was supposed to replace it with pilates but that hasn't so much happened yet. D-

I missed some NaBloPoMo days, but it was a record posting month and I had fun, so that counts for something, right? B

I worked on potty training Adriana consistently right up until the holidays. She really isn't ready yet - she will agree to sit but won't stay on the potty, and has only actually gone once (at daycare, and I think they just caught her at the right time). I am probably going to let her have a break next month and then try again in January (and repeat until she's ready). A-

I still suck at thank you cards. There are just not enough hours in the day. F

The girls are now in their proper rooms, but I still have to paint. I'm putting that off til spring now, in favor of more pressing household issues. I am grading myself high anyway, because Adriana's room was a dump. A-

I got the electrician's phone number, haven't made the call yet. F+

I got a bunch of clothes washed, but still haven't gotten everything put away or donated. C-

The gutters are clean, the leaves are raked, and a winterizing fertilizer has been put down. A+

Hmm, turns out that posting my goals on here does not actually make me any more likely to accomplish them. That's okay, now that I have some kid-free time over lunch and after work (Justin works near my parents, so he's the transporter), things will slowly shape back up.