Monday, December 5, 2011

I Think We Just Set Back Potty Training 10 Years

My parents never really had rules about what I could watch on tv or how long I could watch it, so it's never really been a hot issue for me. I do feel a teeny bit guilty when I read a blog post by someone who never lets their kid veg out in front of the tube, but I don't feel strongly enough about it to change my position. However, a couple of things happened this weekend that made me rethink things. (What? This is about tv, not potty training?)(Just wait for it.)

First, Adriana has been increasingly demanding about wanting to watch tv, specifically Caillou, and to a lesser extent Dora and Yo Gabba Gabba. She loooooooooooves her some Caillou. If she could hang out with him and kiss his inexplicably bald* head, she would. The only two things in the world that she loves better than Caillou are her binky and her blanket (the PINK one, Mama). She loves these three things so much, that, at two years of age, she has developed a very sneaky way to manipulate me into letting her have them all at the same time.

Right when she wakes up, she looks at me with her big brown eyes and says "Mama! I want to cuddle on the couch and watch Glee with you!!!"

She knows this will get me, because cuddling and Glee are MY favorite things in the world. I say "OKAY!!" and scoop her up, and she specifies that she wants "to cuddle on the COUCH, with my BINKY and BLANKET and watch GLEE with you". I am so psyched that she wants to do this, that I agree (much to Justin's dismay - he is so ready to be done with the binky).

I fire up netflix and arrange the blankets on the couch so that the DARK PINK side of her blanket is facing up (lest I be subjected to TODDLER WRATH by putting up the light pink side). We get all comfy, I find the right episode, and then...

"I want CAILLOU, not GLEE!!! Caillou, Caillou, Caillou!!!" Adriana pulls the switcheroo and threatens to stop cuddling if she doesn't get Caillou. And I am a sucker so I put it on and continue to cuddle while I fantasize about traveling to Canada with a roll of duct tape for that little creep's whiny mouth.

Yesterday, I was at my Caillou limit, so I made a mistake. I told Adriana that I don't like episodes with Sara because she is mean. She shot me a dirty look, and said "SHE IS NOT!!" I laughed at her defense of even the most minor Caillou character, and decided to up the ante. "Also, Caillou is annoying." Quick as lightning, Adriana turned around and BITCHSLAPPED ME IN THE FACE, while shouting "Caillou is NOT NOYING!!!!"

So I think we might need a little break from Caillou.

The second thing that happened might be the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life, but it was SO BAD, you guys. SO BAD.

Not long before bedtime, I was sitting on the couch playing with my iPhone, and Justin was flipping around Netflix. Adriana had been pushing around her baby stroller and playing with the other 9 million toys all over the floor. Justin put on Wadzilla, which (wikipedia tells me) is about "a guy that goes to get his sperm count raised, and it creates one big sperm that attacks New York City". I looked up and was like "Oh, that's appropriate" but didn't think twice about it, because I'm sure a two year old doesn't know what sperm is.

However, at one point there were some screams and Adriana and I both looked up from our respective activties. This creature that looked like the demon baby of Jaws, and...well...sperm was racing down the hallway and then chomped on a screaming chick's lady bits.

Adriana started off quietly saying "oh no!", and then with more urgency and volume "OH NO! OH NO!" Justin quickly grabbed the remote and flipped it off, and I picked her up and put her in my lap. Her eyes were glistening with tears, and she just couldn't get the words out fast enough.

A: "that fishie came out of the toilet and he went under her pretty dress and he bit her and she was cryin'!!! he was in the toilet and it's yucky and if you go pee pee in the potty chair you get an m&m and he came out of the toilet and OH NO!!!"

Me: "Yeah, that was SILLY, wasn't it! Fishies aren't in the TOILET, they are in the ocean or in a fishtank!"

A: "yeah it was silly he was in the toilet!" (Thank GOD she started laughing a little, but was clearly still distressed)

Me: "It's okay, baby, it wasn't scary, it was just a silly joke!"

A: "it was a JOKE, he was in the toilet it's yucky in there!"

So eventually I think I got her to forget about the sperm monster biting the girl, and convinced her it was just a SILLY FISHIE playing in the toilet, but omg. I'm more than a little worried about what she is going to say to her daycare teacher when she sits on the potty today.

I think WE might need a break from the tv as well, at least when the girls are still awake.

* I am working on a theory that Caillou is bald because he is inbred. His grandpa looks JUST LIKE his dad, and his grandma looks JUST LIKE his mom, but they are married and live in the same house. Just saying.


Emily said...

OMG, I'm dying over here.

We have the same issues with Caillou. I haven't been bitch slapped yet (I'm sure it's coming), but the tantrums when we tell him no are epic.

I've often wondered about why Caillou is bald, an have actually looked it up (and, yes, I'm embarrassed to admit that). According to the publisher's website, it's because he represents all children and they didn't want to give him any features that would prevent children from identifying with him. Yeah. I like your theory better. It makes so much sense!

You'll have to let us know if she says anything about the fishy in the toilet at daycare. I can only imagine that will be even funnier than this story.

Swistle said...

I laughed LITERALLY AUDIBLY that she slapped you for your Caillou-criticizing insolence. It feels wrong to laugh, but I am laughing anyway. She will need to slap me as well: Caillou IS ANNOYING.

Lacey said...

I am cracking up that she felt so strongly about Caillou that she felt a bitchslapping was necessary! Hilarious!

d e v a n said...

There is so much I love about this post. Sperm. Annoying Caillou. Bitchslap.

StephLove said...

Caillou is definitely annoying. And that explanation from the publisher makes no sense-- being bald is a feature!

I'm sorry about the menacing sperm. Childhood is full of terrors, isn't it? When my ten year old was a baby we used to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer with him in the room but we quit once he seemed to be paying attention to the tv (around age 1).

Nowheymama said...

So funny!

Nowheymama said...


lifeofadoctorswife said...

This KILLS me! She BITCHSLAPPED YOU? I did not see that one coming! Hilarious and awful and hilariously awful.

And... a SPERM MONSTER? Oh man. Well, let's add that to the list of things I never thought I'd have to worry about explaining to a kid!

Wiz said...

Omg, this is halarious!! You think at two that they wont notice something....but they do. I have been talking a bunch of crap about my sister in law, who is a total bitch, lately....I have to see her over Christmas and it suddenly occurred to me that maybe I should watch what I say!!!