Thursday, January 5, 2012

Compromise

This will come to no surprise to anyone who knows me in real life, but I wear the pants in the family. I am, shall we say, opinionated, whereas Justin generally doesn't care about the details and trusts that I will make good decisions for our family. We are also usually so in sync it's scary. For example, we agreed to make an offer on the one and only house we ever looked at, and we both have no desire to ever move again.

There have only been three areas where we have been in complete disagreement.

Disagreement #1 involves the cats. Well, really just one of the cats, as I don't think Justin would mind Leo much if he was the only pet we had to deal with. It's much easier to clean up after a cat who barfs a lot than one who pees on things. That's right, Mohinder, I'm looking at you.

Justin bought Mohinder as a Valentine's present for me in...2008? 2009? I don't know, my brain is mushy. Anyway, it was 100% his decision to go from a 1 cat to a 2 cat household. Momo is the sweetest cat ever, so I was instantly on board. However, no amount of sweetness can counteract the fact that this cat has been trouble from day one. First, whatever shelter cat disease he brought into our home nearly killed Leo. He went from being almost 13 pounds to 9 pounds, and it took something like 2 years before he regained his muscle and stopped looking haggard. It was crazy (and really scary).

And I know I've talked about the peeing on here before. These days, Momo pees on things maybe 3 times a year, and usually it's because Justin missed a day cleaning the litter box to Momo's standards (but once it was over a week of peeing due to a UTI - it SUCKED). It's not the worst thing in the world when it's on a pile of laundry - it's a pain in the ass, but it's doable. However, Momo picks one big ticket, hard to clean item to pee on each year as well, and that's what really drives Justin over the edge. 2009 it was mattress, 2010 was a couch, and 2011 it was the carpet under the Christmas tree (I'm STILL not convinced I have gotten the smell 100% out, and we are in no position to replace the carpet right now). Justin VERY MUCH wants to get rid of Mohinder, whereas (while I have NO DESIRE WHATSOEVER to have a house that smells like cat pee), I feel that it's our responsibility to give him a good home, as we promised to do when we rescued him from the shelter. If I knew for certain that we could find someone else to give him a good home, I would be okay with that. However, I don't think anyone would take a pee-er, and I'm not going to lie just to pass him on. He really is a great cat. Anyway, I wear the pants, so I am winning this one so far. Laura: 1, Justin: 0

I didn't really realize we were having Disagreement #2 until it was kind of too late to do anything about it. When we first got married, I wanted 3 kids and Justin wanted 2. Then we had Adriana, and we realized how exhausting kids could be. I admitted I'd be willing to have 2. Justin, who is not a fan of the newborn stage AT ALL said that he would be okay with just Adriana, and that he'd prefer close spacing if we had a second to get out of the baby years sooner. My vagina was not so much a fan of that idea, so I calculated which month's nookie would result in 2 year spacing (the EARLIEST I was willing to be pregnant again), thinking that if we didn't get pregnant that month, we would try for a spring 2012 baby (a little over 2 1/2 year spacing, and with a much better maternity leave).

I then completely put it out of my mind, and didn't really pay much attention when Justin continued to state he was happy with one kid. Justin was an only child, so he didn't really get why it was so important to me for Adriana to have a sibling. And I was never going to agree to have just one, which might be why it really wasn't registering with me when he kept saying that's what he wanted. Either way, it didn't matter because we are super fertile and super awful at using birth control. I honestly didn't know how strongly he felt about it until after I was pregnant with Lucy (22 month spacing). It turns out that he was serious, he really did not want another baby.* I am SO, SO glad we got pregnant when we did, so it didn't have to be a huge, stressful issue. And, obviously, Justin loves Lucy, so we both win. I'm still giving myself the point though. Laura: 2, Justin: 0

And now we come to Disagreement #3, which was (much to my dismay) resolved last night. You guys, I LOST ONE. And it's a biggie.

I think I have mentioned before that Justin was a security guard when we met. He had originally wanted to go into law enforcement, but his bad knees were keeping him from taking the test. Anyway, he is really big on security, protection, etc. This includes guns.

I, on the other hand, fucking hate guns. I am not comfortable with them ONE BIT. When I am around them, the hairs on my neck stand on end and I'm constantly alert, unable to relax. I have an uncle who carries a gun on his person at all times, and I'm always moving the girls into whatever room he's not in when we are at family gatherings. I don't think people should be allowed to have them, period. I HATE GUNS.

Not long after we started dating, I found out that Justin owned a Glock. It had chemical burns on it from a past life in a meth lab, which did not really help his argument that only wholesome individuals exercising their constitutional right to bear arms own guns. I made him get rid of it before he moved in with me, because there is no way I was sleeping in the same house as a gun. And he did.

But then my dad got a gun, and it really made Justin miss having one. We don't live in the best neighborhood in the universe, and it's not enough for him that we have an alarm system (if the alarm goes off, it's too late). Ever since Justin bought my dad a laser sight for his gun for Christmas, he has been CONSTANTLY HOUNDING ME to reconsider my position.

At first, I genuinely thought it was more about the fact that he thinks guns are cool and that some extra money was burning a hole in his pocket. After much discussion, I came to realize that wasn't the case. He was as firm in his stance that we need a gun for protection as I am in mine that no good ever comes from owning a gun. We were at an impasse (inconceivable!!!)

I guess the biggest reason I caved was that I not only win our major Disagreements, but I also win a million tiny ones every day, as the pants-wearer. Marriage is supposed to be a compromise, and compromise isn't really my strong suit. I like to win, to be right, to have things my way. Justin presented a strong case for purchasing a gun. He put a lot of effort into researching gun and safe options** that would (theoretically) put me at ease. He thought out where we would keep it, and what we would tell the girls. He showed how passionate he was about it, and that he really did think it was 100% necessary to protect his family.

Ugh.

So, yeah. I have a gun. Laura: 2, Justin: Infinity

*If you ever read this, future Lucy, he TOTALLY would have been on board if he knew how awesome you'd be. He just didn't want to listen to you cry or clean your poop.

**UPDATE: He apparently also researched ballistics, as in "hollow point bullets and gunpowder amounts so bullets won't travel through walls and hit the kids" if it ever WERE fired in the house. The man does his homework.

11 comments:

Shalini said...

I TOTALLY think Lucy > guns, so it might be Laura: Infinity, Justin: 1. (I hate guns tooooo).

Mama Tully said...

I agree with pp...getting another baby is WAY BETTER than getting a gun!
We have a similar gun "disagreement" in our household as well. My husband wants one for safety reasons. Although, I think he just wants one because it's a really cool toy for a guy to have. He tries to tell me that we could make gun safety classes and going to the shooting range part of date nights, lol...so romantic :/
We live in a really safe town and neighborhood, but you never know, I guess. Sometimes I think about caving, but them I would insist on having a wall safe for it to be locked in. And at that point, how much help is the gun going to be to us in a scary situation?!

Laura Diniwilk said...

I also agree that Lucia is worth infinite points, BUT she happened before there was an actual argument about it. Technically it was a draw :)

d e v a n said...

I feel the same way about guns, but my husband feels like yours. SO, he got his gun and I got him a double lock gun safe.

Jessica said...

My husband and I have the same gun disagreement. He wanted to take his hunting rifle home from his mom's house and I wouldn't allow it. We stayed at an impasse for two years, then there was a string of rapes/home invasions in our town. In one of the cases, the rapist came through the bedroom window while a husband and wife were both home and sleeping, then held the man at knifepoint while raping the wife. I refused to open the windows even during the day and let my husband bring the rifle home to keep under the bed (unloaded). I knew it would likely do us no good (and would probably make the situation worse), but surprisingly it did make me feel slightly better.

Anyway, after five(!) months and six home invasions and/or rapes they caught the guy. (I just spent an hour reading all the news reports again...)

Swistle said...

I love this post SO MUCH. You should have seen me leeeeeeeaning forward to read it EVEN CLOSER.

This is very similar at our house. I get my way on a ton of stuff Paul doesn't care about, and there are times when I have to just DECIDE that he has to get his way when he DOES care. Not EVERY time, of course, but SOMETIMES.

Raising Snowpeas said...

Oh gosh, don't even get me started on the gun argument. I am very much against them as well.. especially with little kids in the house (although my husband seems to think the kids are the reason we need one, to protect them). My husband is a police officer so there's no way I'm ever winning this battle because we obviously have a gun in our house already. However, he wants a second gun to just carry (one that's smaller than his on-duty gun).. and wants to carry it with us for any bad situations that come up. Um, no. I don't want to know that you always have a gun with, it doesn't make me feel safe, it makes me scared that it will go off or someone will use it against us. Sigh. Like I said, I have no way to win this argument unless he changes careers... but just so you know, I'm with you :)

Wiz said...

I have two cats and I hate them both. Not really, but compared to my kids, well there is no comparison and they were my BABIES before, but still, even though one pees and the other is bulemic I still cant get rid of them. I agree. I took them in and I just feel responsible for them. I hate impasses. Our biggest one was whether to move to TX or not and I compromised so I have pretty much decided that I am never compromising again because the move was a BIG one, ha! Great post :)

lifeofadoctorswife said...

Oh man. Having differing views on things that are THIS IMPORTANT is so scary! I'm so glad that you could find a way to let one another win. It would be very hard of me to let go!

As for guns... They scare me silly. But people in my family are gun owners, and I do agree in the (responsible) right to bear arms. So I try to be all la dee dah and just not think about it! (It would be different if there were a gun in my home though.)

Becki D. said...

We have guns. Lots of guns. We have a large gun safe.

When we got pregnant the first time, I tried to talk hubs into getting rid of the guns, thinking of all the horrible accidents that could happen. But ya know what? I married this man. I chose to have children with him. I do believe in the right to bear arms, so I trust him to keep the guns safely stowed and I don't worry about it. :-)

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

Holy hell, this is quite the post. I have the chills reading it, if that says anything to you (and no, it's not because you wrote about cats - ha). I am VERY black and white when it comes to certain things in life ... and let's just say that I'm so one-sided on these things that I couldn't ever date someone who felt differently about them, let alone marry them and let them win the argument. I give you A LOT OF CREDIT for indirectly (or directly) making Justin do his homework and win that argument.